Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Why is this me 😫