When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
#parenting
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.