Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
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[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26