I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.