I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
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NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Social Media and Real life
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”