Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
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why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
You wish you had this many chins.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175