Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.