I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
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Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”