Merry Christmas
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Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae