Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey