I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
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My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Good point.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?