Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
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I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
A drum solo but on your face.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
#Caturday
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.