Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Potatoes were such a good idea
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.