I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
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If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
found this cool rock hiking today
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.