I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
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[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel