ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
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[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.