[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
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Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.