I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Happy birthday to all the women
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Wednesday
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”