Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
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Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Buck naked
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2