My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
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McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
How it started How it’s going
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.