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pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE