HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?