me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
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My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Good morning, Twitter x
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.