doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
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My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream