How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
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[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em