When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
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A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.