Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Why soy sad?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl