He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL