STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
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If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Good morning!
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: