Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.