I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*