interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
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People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Give a baker flours on your first date.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks