Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Cheers Twitter.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.