every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
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Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent