Happy Taco Tuesday
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2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Would you wear it?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.