I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
You Might Also Like
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
i would wish you the best but i am the best
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore