All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
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comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
🤣🤣
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.