[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
A friend sent me this.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive