Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.