[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
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‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS