[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
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My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
scared to check what name she chose
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
he chose this
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real