Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
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Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.