Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
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After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.