The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
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If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My time has come.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo