“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
When you’re here for the treats.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine