“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Autocorrect is my menesis
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.