The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
#dalle2
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Important reminders
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?