ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
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[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me trying to walk in a dream
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Mmmm. Shoeshi
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*