I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
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Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.