If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Wait for it
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
*Seductively hides in the woods
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.